I just love BBQ'ed food...but I don't like my religion being BBQ'ed, especially when nobody else is doing the grilling but ourselves.

This morning skipped my Field theory lecture again (i know me bad) because I couldn't wake up. So I ended up surfing the net for something interesting to read. I had bookmarked this little page dedicated to the New Perspective. ( Check out the previous post to find out what's it about. ) So i scanned down the articles and had a good read. There were pros for the New Perspective and the cons as well. I was reading the cons.

But actually I'm not going to blog about the New Perspective, I'll blog about something else that has always been on my mind.

1) Protestanism and other religions. As I was growing up, Christianity was distinguished from the other two by that Christianity was a religion of faith/grace while the others was a man-made system of good works to earn (Judeo-Christian) God's pleasure (i.e. salvation). Of course I was mystified about this because I wasn't entirely sure they were even worshipping the same God as us, so certainly some of our Christian categories wont fit nicely when applied to other religions. As I began to read some comparative religion, it seemed to me that we (christians) have not understood what other religions are saying in the first place.

To illustrate: 'Salvation' to the Hindu is being united to Brahma, but certainly their god isn't the God of the bible. So that means the hindu concept of salvation is totally different from the Christian's understanding of salvation. Hindu's aren't doing good works to earn God's favour as though they had always believed it was the correct way to achieve salvation, rather they do good works to earn karma and finally achieve nirvana. I don't think you can find a parallel concept of karma and nirvana in Christianity. (Mind you Nirvana isn't another synonym for Heaven).

Or another: Why does a Muslim pray five times a day and perform the Haj or fast during Ramadhan? To earn God's favour? I don't think so. The Muslim faithful is merely following the teachings of Muhammad in doing so because he believes that this is the way man ought to live. And he lives by the Quran because he or she believes that that's the way Allah has chosen to reveal his revelation to man. Is a Muslim doing good works to get into heaven? Actually he is not, because any Muslim will tell you that nobody is ever assured of that. The only way to be sure of getting into heaven is to be a martyr. (Mind you, the concept of assurance is Islam has nothing to do with the Christian concept of assurance depite similiar appearences).

2) Faith vs works: Now this is really a head scratcher. Pastorally, it a nightmare for anybody in spiritual leadership to explain to a new convert of how 'faith without works is dead', but yet how grace is opposed to works. Through the many explanations I heard as a child, through my teenage years and even now as a uni student, none of them are satisfying. Usually it involves something along the Archimidean Golden Mean, 'let's find a balance' kind of talk. Or they would use the language of 'discipleship'. I still don't have the answers, but I suspect that all these confusion is caused by lack of precision in language and explanations. Christians have this awful habit of 'lumping' concepts together and using words very imprecisely.

p/s The faith vs works issue has a more sinister face to it. 'Faith' is what gets converts into church and 'works' is what is used to get people to run the church programmes and the cycle repeats. Of course this is just my speculation, if you don't get it..never mind. Substitue church for VCF and the picture becomes ugly.

3) Roman Catholicism: This is a very sensitive issue. Are Roman Catholics to be counted as brothers in christ? To put into my particular context: VCF has no problem considering Nav and CCC members of the kingdom, but is the CSS partners in our kingdom work? How even about Legion of Mary?

Let's not fight at the level of official doctrines and documents. Meeting people at the ground level, catholics who are really nothing much diffirent from us in terms of faith and practise, influences your perspective a lot. Yah, they may participate in the mass and genuflect, but....*long stretched out sigh*

4) Serving God: In CF, I think when there is leadership transition the continuity question comes up. Who is going to lead? Since leading is serving, the question transforms to, who is going to serve? So we go around asking, do you want to serve God in this area? And the answer is...

I have always wondered whether at the ground level, at the cgm level there is a unspoken perception that we are recruiting to continue a programme oriented ministry. We claim that we are people-oriented. But certain things are better left unsaid. Let out actions speak for ourselves, if CF is really people-orientated, we don't even need to claim that we are, less people see through our hypocrisy.

It is so manipulative when we use the language of 'serving God' to get people to continue a legacy of programmes just to keep up with appearences. The danger is that sometimes we don't even realize it, but deep down somewhere, like a splinter in your mind, you know that it is there. And so the very nessecary step is really to stop 'serving God'.

Things like this really make Christianity a tasty meal. Don't you just love chicken wings.

I wanted to post this up last night. But the blogger server was down.

Have been surfing around and came across several new issues and words that have been circulating around in Christian subculture and cyberspace.

Emergent-yuppie church? alternative worship? a non-denominational denomination? That's what I understand so far. But still exploring. But the fundamental idea is that emergent is trying to recapture the missional character of the church into the world.

Theodicy-Okay, there's really nothing new about this word. Just that I didn't know that it existed. Anyway a theodicy is an attempt to explain the problem of suffering and evil.

Open Thiesm- Basically means a view that God cannot know the future simply because the future is...err...unknowable in the first place.

The New Pespective- A bible scholar's attempt to contribute to 'popular' christian literature? Haha...no lar..on a more serious note, it is the thesis that the argument that Paul had with the Judaizers was not primarily a works vs faith issue so much so as a question of ethnicity and the membership into the kingdom of God.

So which one I agree on and which one I don't. See whether you can guess or not. Do leave a comment yah.

Screenshot

I wish I had this as a desktop background. Check out this website. Pretty cool. I tried the programme but sort of decided that it wasn't for me. But I found this screenshot nice and apt. So I posted it up here.

I swear I never felt soo angry today.

I know partially there's my fault. My tendency to be a loose cannon. But what the hell, this is way over the top man....so so angry.

Sigh, what my mother said about me is right. So right.

I have a problem of eating my words. That is: I tend to mumble.

Hmm...I don't know why I do that? Cos I am a naturally shy and reserved person. (That was who I was last time). But yeah, I still tend to mumble when I speak, and I don't really shout out clearly. A real problem considering the time when I was actually doing voice projection with Hui Ling and Yeo Huan. And the time during Barefoot in the Park when I was doing the sound test. The technician scolded me for, "Talking to my 'girlfriend' ". Even when I thought I was shouting, they couldn't hear me clearly.

I think being in choir has helped a little bit. But yeah, if at anytime you can't hear what I am saying just ask me again and I'll try to speak up. Don't just ignore me...it hurts.

Happy Easter everyone. He is risen indeed!

I noticed the emblem on the pupit today. A cross with a crown. Christ died as King and rose as the vindicated King. He is King over all life. Not just my personal life, but he is King over all creation, including creation that does not acknowledge him as King.

The message of Easter. Looking forward to vindication, and the total salvation of our souls.

Artist: B.J. Thomas Lyrics
Song: Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head Lyrics

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

[trumpet]

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

Hehe...this is the song from Spider-Man 2 when Peter Parker decided to stop being Spider-Man. Dunno...why feeling like him all of a sudden. Soon you'll see me swinging about Ke7 on a web.

Just want to congratulate Marie and her husband Joel on the occasion of their marriage. May God continually bless them both in their relationship and family life.

The dinner was nice, but after that came the most embarassing part. The bunch of us decided to pay a visit to the Top of the M, a high end chill out place. The draw was the revolving restaurant. And we like ah bengs and ah lians went in just to enjoy the view. But when it came to ordering, we had to pay a minimal charge and some of us were like broke. So we left discreetly. It was the most embarassing moment of my life.

Haha...something to laught about.

It's one of the festivals in which we as Christians remember what Christ did for us on the cross. And it is also a day where we look forwards to Easter and the Resurrection. I like Good Fridays in a special kind of way, kind of like a quite appreciation.

Trusting God is like holding your breath. It's a strange kind of tension. Stilll learning the curve.

Os Guinness:

...Under the influence of modernity, we modern Christians are literally capable of winning the world while losing our own souls...

That's what Os Guiness wrote in this essay on the Church Growth Movement. Personally in my limited experience, I have little intersection with this movement. Even back home in Malaysia, much less Singapore, I don't really hear about "church growth" or stuff like that. I hear more of "revival" and "reaching out" more than any other things.

So I would think that what is good about the CGM as described by Os Guiness is rather intact in this region without its ugly excesses. But that's just my opinion. More informed adults would know better.

But I want to blog about that quote. I would tend to agree with it. One of the powerful ideas of secularization was that it sort of knocked idol worship from where it stood in culture- as a superstition- which is what it is, even described as such in the Bible. (Read the prophets who decried the idolatry of the Israelites)

In a way of speaking, secularization with help from the explanatory power of science sort of beat the 'gods' to their game. It provided an apparent 'freedom' from the bondage of idols. Ok, seems good. So in that sense, modernity aids evangelism since we have at least on appearences killed one big enemy.

But I guess the type of 'Christianity' that would properly fit into a heart set free by the wonders of modernity is not in the same mould of the Gospel of the Kingdom. Quite simply, such a 'Christianity' needs to be 1) devoid of mystery, hence faith. 2) devoid of humility, since we can rely on our reasonining. 3) devoid of authority, since man is the center of his universe. In our efforts to evangelize, taking advantage of the space provided by modernity, caution needs to be taken so that we do not cookie cut the Kingdom Gospel to fit into the heart of modern man.

I guess any evangelism that is faithful must confront idols (literal) and also man's arrogance and sin before a holy God. Tough act, since the modernity is a minefield. And the most demoralizing thing about mines is that it maims rather than kills. But a gospel maimed is not different from a gospel killed, though it is mistakenly believed to be alive. Take for instance this proclamation:" God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life." God loves me for sure, but a wonderful plan for my life? I'm not so sure about that. The above statement is certainly not mysterious, hardly any humility is needed to embrace it, and certainly is not about authority. If anything, it almost is left like an option to us whether or not we want to know this "wonderful plan". It all up to us: Doesn't it sound like the man at the center of his universe all over again? Of course we add the part about how sins separates us from God. But under that first premise, the evil and deciet of sin is easily trivialized.

Sigh...I've written quite a mouthful here. Take some time to chew on it.

My take...

I would think that it was a wonderful effort put up by the whole team. LT13 was packed. And I think the night one will be packed as well. The songs were well written and then band was excellent. As songs, they were really good and nice to hear. I think the songs gave away the message pretty well.

But the story was normal. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't that good either. It was just what you would expect an amatuer playwright to come up with. Nothing special. It was decent, a little disjointed here and there, the characters maybe a little cardboard cut, but overall it gave sense to the songs.

Was Falling, Spinning 2005 a correct decision?

I believe now, yes, it was. There are many good things that had been achieved through it. For instance, a renewed interest in the arts as a medium for the gospel. The earnestness in reaching out. Creating a bond by working together. Graduated seniors guiding CFers throughout this whole process.

Nevertheless several things that can be improved on:

1) Planning phase: It wouldn't hurt to start planning for this event earlier. If anything, the scope, objective and medium would have been settled and everybody has a clear idea what is going on.

2) Playwriting: Spinning, Falling was decent. But if we are serious of redeeming the arts, the quality of writing must be improved. No more angst filled monologues and surges of emotions please. Witty dialogue and plot twists are the way to go.

3) Timing: A musical put in January, although it is packed thick within hall productions and Exxon Mobil concerts, may seem suicidal. But ironically it is also the most strategic time, if we are serious about following up.

I would think that the money was well spent. So congrats to the whole musical team! God bless.

World Magazine | World News | Christian Views

A short article on the community of faith, L'Abri that was started by Francis Schaeffer. Sadly, he has gone home already.

I remember my first exposure to Schaeffer. Through reading his books. They always had something to do with art, and I loved books with pictures, especially those with Western pictures. And the nice thing was that it became my first exposure to philosophy.

From there my life history branched out into two directions. One was that I began to adopt a particular style of thinking about Christian concepts. Another direction was that I became interested in philosophy.

I think I have read most of his books that I could find in my house. There is one particular book that I like very much: The God who is There.

My greatest wish would be to be able to speak with him. I guess that is every christian geek's dream. :P I am no exception. Recalling those times, I was one of a kind. Nobody around me had any remote interest in Schaeffer. Like my mother would say, "Philosophy isn't everybody's cup of tea."

Francis Schaeffer is one of those people who impacted my life (via his writing) a lot. There are others of course, but I think he was the most important one.

Feeling nostalgic all of a sudden.

Yes,

I am soo addicted to Kenji Kawai's shinto chant composition for GITS: Innoncence OST. I mean, it's so hauntingly atmospheric. I've been listening it over and over again. I can't listen to it now becos Joshua's listening to his music and I don't have earphones.

I just love that OST. Other favourite picks are River of Crystal and Follow Me performed by Kumiko Itoh. The music for composed by Kawai San, I think. The tune of Follow Me is actually an adaptation from a guitar concerto by Joaquin Rodrigo.

I want to watch Innoncence again. But the file is 1.35 gigs and I have a lousy connection. Anybody has it around who is willing to share. But then again, might consider getting the DVD but only if it has decent translations.

Anime Lyrics (.com): Anime Lyrics: Ghost in the Shell: Follow Me
Follow Me




Music by Kenji Kawai
Performed by Kimiko Itoh

Follow me to a land across the shining sea
Waiting beyond the world we have known
Beyond the world the dream could be
And the joy we have tasted

Follow me along the road that only love can see
Rising above the fun years of the night
Into the light beyond the tears
And all the years we have wasted

*Follow me to a distand land this mountain high
Where all the music that we always kept inside will fill the sky
Singing in the silent swerve a heart is free
While the world goes on running and turning
Turning and falling

*repeat


Copyright © 2000-2003 Anime Lyrics (.com).
Lyrics are the intellectual property of their respective owners."

Wierd title of a post, I'm going to try my hand in rambling nonsense. Yes pure nonsense, like that one stream-of-conscienceness type prose. Yes, just type down whatever that comes to your mind, listening to a recorded interview interesting stuff Brain MacLaren, Laren Mac Laren, Mercendes, you know the FI team, racing soon in don't know where, and I used to enjoy watching those races with my family don't know when did my mother get such a kick from watching those races now her current interest is football oh please but then talking about football its kinda interesting to note that I'm not really into football just that I don't really craze over it like some people like my roommate Joshua's nice no probs with him, and sometimes we do go out for some kind of lunch or something like that and talk about business and making money christian shouldn't talk about money you know cannot love mammon and God at the same time but really haha just want to laugh nice thing is money can buy you women and nice nice women flock to nice nice men with car and cash sigh have niether right now oh boy am I soo materialistic materialism and meaninglessness don't care already too much crap.

Oh well, have a nice time deconstructing anna.

IVP | Jacob & the Prodigal | Table of Contents & Book Excerpts

I want this book!! I know this is sooo thick-skinned. But my birthday is coming up soon. 6th April in fact. I would just love this is a birthday present. (that is if you can find it in singapore...try FES? )


I want!

Since it was always implied, but never really explicitly stated, I say it now:

I am a Christian.

I wonder what makes me one, though... Is the fact that I worship God, love Jesus and go to church that makes me one? At one time the answer was pretty much simple. Recieve Jesus into your heart and you become a Christian. Now if you ask me, I would hesitate to give you an answer.

There are times when I wonder whether I am a Christian by virtue of being brought up as such? Or is it because I serve in church and CF that makes me one? Am I a Christian by choice? Or am I a Christian because I believe in a creed?

Do I doubt whether God exists. Yes, sometimes. Do I sin? Yes, of course! So? Can I concieve of backsliding? I don't know. Honestly.

I am ending my service in EXCO. I am going to leave school in one years time. I will launching on my career within the next five years. Very soon I will have to battle convictions that are antithetical to the way I have been brought up. Very soon I will face worldviews and lifestyles that I never thought possible. Very soon, I am leaving my innocence behind.

I have one year, to really know what I mean when I say that I am a Christian. And it better be able to withstand the crunch of real life.

Missions-minded.

This is one of our VCF distinctives. Supposedly a distinctive reflects an ethos, a culture that once was there in the community of students. But honestly, is there an ethos of mission in VCF? What is an ethos of mission, how would it look like?

Had an interesting discussion on missions during council just now and many ideas were thrown up. None of them bad in themselves. But I want to add another point.

There is no missions ethos in VCF. I feel it in the halls, I feel it when I hear people talk. There is no burning for the world. When CF'ers talk of the 'world' or 'other cultures' they talk about it in abstract terms. It is as though these places don't really exist or are too far away for us to identify with. I'm sure they know that real people live in those places, but we don't feel it. We don't in a way saying feel the 'bite' of living in another culture.

Mind you, living with people of another culture for long doesn't neccessarily imply that we automatically become experts. More likely we become experts in avoiding conflict- we merely coexist. In a sense, we can never be truly a part of another race and this is what I mean by the 'bite' of living in another culture. We may coexist, but there is a homesickness, a sense in which we never truly belong because we are foreign.

Missions begins when we bring the gospel through this handicap. Consumed by the love for people foreign to us, we bring the good news to them. Instead of looking at them as an enemy (in the past), as uncouth( as in the age of imperialism), or as an instance of 'diversity' (today), we love them as fellow created beings who need forgiveness.

But the fact of sin, (and Babel) means that we will always labour under a handicap of being foreign. Yet the Incarnation is the true instance of mission, where God became man to minister to the poor and the sick, widowed and orphaned. The Incarnation is a driving force behind mission: the powerful basis which allows the particularity of the Gospel in a certain culture (Jewish) to become unto the world, the Good News.

Missions can also be viewed as the slow building steps, the means of grace, by which God calls out his church, a community of diverse race and culture to be his worshippers. The means by which this is accomplished is by the preaching of the Gospel.

We could not have minimized the 'bite' of being foreign by resorting to other methods, and then rationalize our action by claiming that is allows for easier access for the Gospel to penetrate. One such way is by redefining culture as a neutral expression of human diversity (globalized humanity). Another is by being essentialists i.e. looking past cultural differences until we get to the essentials of being human, one such essential being 'freedom' or 'inalienable rights' or 'relational beings'.

Instead of the Gospel which was the means which God would bridge cultural differences, we have substituted a man made philosophy to accomplish what God would instead do. Where lies the problem? If culture is merely a neutral expression of human diversity, we forget that culture is inextricably tied to what a community worships as a replacement for God. So in a sense culture can be idolatrous, and so the Gospel must confront that. By being essentialists, we run the danger of reducing the Gospel to a doctrine of 'political freedom' or 'human rights' or 'relationship restorer' when the Gospel is to confront man with his sin before God. Here the perspective we take is important, culture stands as a very barrier by which the power of God overcomes by the application of the Gospel. Taking any other perspective that sort of minimizes the 'bite' of being foreign degrades our fellow man and makes our understanding of our cultural
heritage so much more poorer.

I was talking about a lack of missionary ethos in VCF. Could it be that we have lost our sense of cultural exclusiveness that we fail to see the power of God's love overcoming this barrier created by this exclusiveness. I would think that without our experience of this power, we have yet to understand God's missionary heart.

They solved it!

I feel so sad that I couldn't get it. The worse thing is not that I can't follow the lessons or am totally in a haze. The thing is when it comes down to application and using the results, bleah...I just can't seem to see...

Maths...that's what it is.

That's what I am....

I must learn not to complain too much though. I know I have to count my blessings before I rant on and on and on, but I really feel like...sigh I don't know.

All I can say is that this week has been terrible for me. No thanks to the turmoil of CA's and a field theory tutorial that defeated me. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

I swear that I never felt so down and out, washed up and washed out, depressed and frustrated in my whole life (so far...) . I know I don't have a right to complain, other people go through much much more than me.

But I don't care, God please help!


Scream!!

I recieved an email from my father.

The most embarassing thing about sharing some details of your personal life with your parents is that they will tend to get everything mixed up. And when they give you advice, it somehow sounds really funny and embarassing because you know that they have got the wrong kind of picture in their head. And it doesn't help that I live 400 km from them now.

So I read what my father said with mirth and not a little amusement. And I really wanted to squirm and run under my desk and hide. It was really, really embarassing. Luckily it's just a personal email.

I quickly replied it stating that they had misunderstood. I guess I should be careful with what I say next time. Haiyah...make things more complicated already than they really should be. *sweats*

I've updated my sideboard with newer links to other people that I know and also some pretty interesting websites.

Following Christ is a link to a series of lectures by Bishop NT Wright on Jesus. Good stuff! I'm going back to it when I have the time after my CA's. NCBI is another cool website that has practically almost all the known genome sequeces of living organisms including the human genome. Really cool, and makes you appreciate the miracle of life and creation.

My sister has opened another new blogsite at Xanga. William is another friend from secondary school days, currently studying in Australia. Alvin is Eusoff Hall's CF chairperson, he has two blog links, one here and another here.

This guy's blog, i found through browsing. He has the theme music from Lost in Translation playing in the background(at least I hope I'm right) and I knew I had to link it to my blog. Do check it out, a beautifully designed website.

Nobody deserves to be dressed down when they are trying their very best in whatever they are doing. I was wrong to loose my trust in him. I know that he is trying his best and sometimes situations may not be favourable to him. But I know that he is trying his best, and deep down inside, his heart is still for the people that God has given under his charge.

Thank God, I didn't say anything stupid or loose my cool. But yeah, it was beneficial for me to vent out my frustrations to the right people. Imagine if I had vented out my frustrations towards him, our friendship would have been ruined.

Let my comment be left unspoken, it is a sign of trust, a sacred charge. I have passed the candlelight to him, and so with him it will remain until it is time for him to pass it on to another.

(only those who were with me last year will understand the significance of the italicized words)

I don't know if any of my readers can help me out with these one.

Let u,v be algebraic over F. u is separable and v is inseparable over F. Prove that F(u+v) = F(u,v) moreover, if u,v != 0, F(u,v)=F(uv).

Man, I was working on this for like 2 1/2 hours and no idea how to start. My general idea was to show that somehow [F(u,v) : F (u+v) ] =1. So far my ideas don't even hit it!!

Arghh....help help help!!

Sejarah means history in Malay. I was looking through every entry in my blog...(i noe i deleted some entries...but those are concerned with my failed series on postmodernism).

I realized a few things.

1) My blogging style has changed.
2) I crap alot. I mean: I rarely have anything substantial to say.
3) This week in particular, has been a week when God answered a lot of my little prayers. I just complained too much to be grateful. I must repent and ask for forgiveness.

Dear God,

I just want to say sorry that I have been complaining too much. Yes, there are times when things don't always happen the way I want them to be, but you still show me that you care by answering little requests in small little ways. I just need your Spirit to teach me to be content, to be at peace and to trust in your timing, which like Gandalf the wizard, is never early or late. These are but the shadow of eternal things to come, help me my Father not to be too disturbed by them. Teach me God, the true humanness. Teach me dear God how to control my emotions and how to express them in constructive ways. Teach me most of all, how to wait and be patient.

Amen.

Quite a productive day, i think. Learnt up my discrete opt. At least I think I won't be making a fool of myself on wednesday. Tomorrow will be hectic, it's a Sunday...what the heck. I really need to start on my field theory tutorials. Inertia is really strong here, I need help from above.

Otherwise, I got my hair cut today and went out with a run with Reggie and Viknes. We were supposed to have Dawn with us, but she wasn't around.

One thing I can say about my new hair cut: I am extremely satisfied with it. For once, a decent one, not the rice bowl kind. Of course, other's may thing otherwise. But never mind, it was worth 8 bucks.

Should I sleep early? But it's only 10:00...well...maybe should go for a short walk to breathe in the fresh air. Am yawning already...which is my post is all scrambled up.

Long day ahead...preparing now for a whole day of camping in the lib. My date with discrete opt is long overdue, and I can't get too cocky with graph theory. One of the most profound mysteries in NUS is how math's students study for their CA's. It certainly not like how the others study for their subjects. For one, I still havn't figured it out yet. Year in year out, I enter the exam hall and exit knowing that I could have done better, no thanks to certain distractions of course.

Sigh, and you probably won't imagine that one day, I will have to confront him because of a job not well done. Am I that demanding? Do I place standards on other people that I myself did not conform to?

Ok, this is what I need to do. No more pocrastinating.

1) Call up Winston
2) Study for graph and discrete optimization. That will take up the bulk of my time. Friday and Saturday's will be packed doing this.
3) Get the LPC stuff done and prepare for meeting on Monday.

Ok, now I go and have my breakfast and see how long I can last until lunch.

Hehe, got something I really want to thank God for.

As I was taking a walk, it started to rain. Quite instinctively, I sort of whispered to God:"I really wish for an umbrella." People all about me had their's up and swaying in the air, and it was really beginning to get heavier.

A vehicle passed me and it took me five whole seconds before I realized that it was the A1. I ran and managed to catch it in time. All heaven broke loose after I boarded it.

I realize one thing. I can pray for the stupidest things at time, and that God still cares for me :=)

Actually I didn't really realize it until just now. We celebrated Amelia's birthday and Siew Jin's birthday two midnights in a row, on the 9th and 10th respectively that is. Both turn 21 this year. And the nice thing is that both of them look younger than their ages, not that I'm old...just an observation.

Usually 21 is like a big step into adulthood, but well me...don't really feel like an adult, still feel like that guy in Form Six who doesn't even bother to wash his shoes.

I wonder what they are feeling about being 21 now...besides being able to watch RA movies...

I really enjoyed Piano Ensemble's show. It was entertaining. Choice pieces that stood out for me were Vocalise, Warriors, Classical Gas and the finale showpiece, Tarrantella. Went there to support Yeo Huan and although his piece was good, couldn't really understand what he was playing. It was too modern, with too many dissonances.

Well in any case, this marks the third time running in a row that I have attended Piano Ensemble's annual concert. Haha, I discovered something really surprising (at least for me). Nobody seems to talk about it, wonder why?

Congrats to Yeo Huan and friends :)

Do you know something? We should watch more TV to learn English. Or at least by doing so, allows the students to improve in those subjects.

Wow...I mean like, what have I been doing all these years?

Hiazz...if only that were true. I know this is going to embarass (in cyberspace at least) the DG. But alas there is serious flaw in the CDC's recommendation. I mean, the newspaper report didn't even cite a journal, nor a study or some kind of substantiated reasoning (argument) to show that watching TV actually helps improve English in general (not to mention in Mathematics and Science). All the newspaper reported was that CDC recommends this, CDC recommends that...

I mean I do watch TV. But I also know that those who have a good command of English read a lot. It is doubtful that TV contributes much to their command of English. I mean like, although the TV programme may be in English, does that automatically mean that the student's language command will improve? Does the broadcasted media interact with the student in the same way with that of the printed media? I don't think so. I watch plenty of Cantonese serials; my Cantonese still is in a rut.

I wonder whether the CDC is saying something to be popular or actually have something substantial to say.

"Oh how much I am out of touch..." I croon to my empty room. " Hell yeah, lost touch of my mathematical reasoning. If I only had made a little more effort, I might have got it."

" The solution was so simple, so elegant. And I couldn't get it," I say.

"Don't be so hard on yourself lah, relax. You'll get back into the groove."

"It's not like that. It's much much more complicated. I just can't seem to concentrate."

"Take a break. Things aren't as bleak as they look."

"I just don't know. I've lost my confidence. And the class is filled with smart people. Everything seems to be collapsing around me."

"Just take a break and pray. Don't pray about this or that, but just take time to be with Him."

"I want my 4A's."

"Don't think about that at the moment. Don't think about that at the moment..."

Who....who...who?

You can't imagine how much I feel like this guy

No, i'm not in a romantic mood right now. No, I don't think I can see all ends yet, and no, I don't feel on the top of the world. Had a nice chat with Vincent. Appreciated the time with him and after that dropped by Alvin's to catch up with him.

What Vincent shared to me about and adviced me about was nothing new. It was not something that I didn't know, but it was important to me because: 1) I know that I am not alone. 2) It shows that God speaks clearly. 3) It shows that I am a pretty stubborn person. 4) And I am also pretty stupid at times :P

They say all things work out for good, but sometimes I don't see the good in how things are going about. I would take it that 'good' is a pretty much abused word. And I would think that that verse in Romans has been pretty much abused as well.

But what I do know is that God still speaks and is not silent. And I know that there is someone in exco who cares for me. Sigh...I'm so touched, I really am. I just dunno how to appreciate Vincent.
While I'm still waiting and sorting my feelings for her, I think i'll drop by Faith's room to pick up my tickets for Yeo Huan's performance. Darn, why didn't I think of asking her out also...

What is the purpose of CF I ask myself. Of course there are many different viewpoints, different facets of the diamond as Dr. Loo put it. I was thinking of when I first came into KE7. What was going through my mind then is different of course from what is going on now. But yet one thing remains constant. Belonging. Everybody wants to belong, and I have found my belonging via the CF, and that is why I find it precious. Doubtless other people find their belonging somewhere else, in some other group. And so I guess, they gradually drop away from CF.

I guess there are two ways of looking at it. One is to stay at the level of this observation. To say that it's ok that people drop away from CF because they feel that they have found a better place to belong to.

Another way is to see belonging as a stepping stone for a greater purpose. That purpose actually being the purpose of the CF. Then by fulfilling this purpose, the sense of belonging is cultivated. Since, KECF is part of VCF, which is part of FES, which in turn is part of IFES, the three aims of IFES for students becomes our purposes as well: formacion(discipleship and spiritual formation), evangelism and mission.

I think the second viewpoint is a better one than the first. There are several examples that support this.

1) During the preparation for the Christmas party two years ago, we truly belonged because we were convinced that what we were doing was to provide a opportunity to invite our non-christian friends for christmas services.

2) CG sessions when the word of God is taught deeply, and not just a simple sharing session or a sort of vague unprepared-everybody-chips-in-and-give-your-viewpoint kind. After that, people are more likely to stay back an interact and even share deeply. This is the general observation in SHCF and KECF. My point is, there must be an authoritative voice that teaches God's word, and then followship comes naturally.

3) Corporate prayer. My close friends were forged by interacting with seniors, peers and juniors during and after prayer meetings. We worship together, hear a short devotion and pray for each other afterwards. It is true, those that come for prayer meeting often form the core of the fellowship.

4) In PGP CF after their MPM(ministry prayer meeting), fellowship almost comes naturally. And in fact, when I joined for the first time, I could easily connect even though I was an outsider. Why? Becuase we were all there for a common cause, that is to pray.

5) During the D2D evangelistic event, everybody was excited and the process of preparing for it and also in executing it, drew everybody together even those not affiliated with us. It was then that I got to know Dawn a little better.

6) In EXCO, the times when we are far apart from each other are the times when we are not actually praying together, but and neglecting it.

7) For those who participated in MEET, e.g. John, Jaime and Raj, there are also the ones who continued to serve and participate in CF. Their sense of belonging to each other and to God I think continued even though they were in their final years.

I'm sure those other people have their other stories to tell. But I guess that belonging is cultivated by doing something very specific together. Namely: learning God's word together, praying together, worshipping together, evangelism together, being involved in missions together. Belonging is cultivated I think from no other means. Once people belong, it is tough for them to leave.

For a Christian, he/she belongs not only to God, but participates in a culture. Automatically, he becomes a member of a community. Therefore, he becomes a part of a subculture. There are rituals and vocabulary that automatically become part of his life.

One such vocabulary is talk concerning guidance and decision making. This is encapsulated in one slogan: "God loves you and has a perfect will for your life." Christian decision making then is referring our decisions to the 'perfect will' and obey it. Presumably we are 'putting God as the Lord of our lives' when we do this and 'living in our own strength' when we do not. There are several methods of finding out this 'perfect will': 1) Listening to God's voice. 2) Searching the bible. 3) Intepreting 'closed doors' and 'open doors'. 4) Advice from more mature believers. 5) Spiritual gifts and inclinations. 6) And if you're pentecostal, being prophecied over.

My gripe?

It is not scriptural...and therefore manipulative. It encourages a sort of pseudo spirituality which has little to do with what an authentic Christian life is. So where does the problem lie? Which premise is unscriptural in the entire enterprise?

Precisely the fact:" God loves you and has a perfect will for your life." This theme is entirely absent from Genesis to Revelation. There are many great themes in the bible, fellowship, unity, redemption, holiness, love, etc...but the conjuction of the theme love and guidance is never articulated as above.

Let us unpack the whole statement above into its constituent ideas. Presumably I understand it to say something along this lines: God loves you. Therefore he wants the best for you. He is also infinitely wise and knows what is the best for you. Now the best for you would certainly involve the best way to grow in all facets of the christian life. So then, God packages together the perfect set of instructions that, upon obedience gives growth. This set of instructions will involve decisions on friends, choice of lifestyle, career, marriage(if applies), investments and etc...

So the process of discovering God's will for our lives is both imperative and central to our walk with God. If obedience would mean anything, it means first and foremost, obedience to God's 'perfect will'. As it is commonly put across in sermons, deviations from this ideal leads to meaninglessness, suffering(with qualification), unable to taste fully God's blessing (with qualification on the term blessing) and etc...

As I have said, this doctrine (as I have put it above) is absent in the bible. But the themes of love and guidance abound in many stories and narratives. Indeed, God does guide his people. He guided the Isrealite from slavery into the Promised Land. He guides leaders like Ezra and Nehemiah to rebuilt a battered Jerusalem. He guided Jesus to the cross and Paul across Asia Minor. That God guides his people is clear.

However, this also means one thing. There will be times when God's guidance leads us into places and situations where the going gets tough. The Israelites was lead into the desert, battle with tribes on the way. War in the promised land. Nehemiah faced political backstabbing. Jesus, opposition from the Jews and ultimately to the cross. And Paul faced persecution almost every other time. The grand theme of guidance here is enlarged onto a grander scale than what is taught by that doctrine. If anything it is small and chops out the dirty little bits of what guidance is all about.

And as we can see, guidance is not something sought for but something conferred upon. It is always God who births the desire in our hearts to follow him in a certain way. There is that burning conviction to do something, a strong sense of vocation. Guidance is mediated through something called 'calling', which is mysterious. A sense of calling cannot be manufactured. When God calls, his sheep hear and obey. It is final. In our age of cheap spirituality or mass market christianity, hearing God's call is an art we have lost. It is not an impulse, neither is it a voice in our soul, nor is it a dream or a 'word from God'. When God calls, we will know it, it is that mysterious. In the meantime, we wait.

So what do we do waiting? We continue on with our daily lives. God has given us our bare nessecities. The little things that we know we must do. We are to do this faithfully and reverence. Of what happens in the future our heavenly Father will take care. Decisions that come by our way, we use our common sense and rationality to decide. As with time and money, the teaching of stewardship suffices to guide decisions. If obedience means anything, it means obeying God's commands in our daily living, that is the surest way of getting spiritual benefits.

I think I can summarize by saying that finding out God's will for our lives is an irrelevant question. He has made it known already, and yes, it is in the most mundance and ordinary institutions and rules. But when it is time, he will call.

A big smiley to Vincent, Sue Anne and me...he.

Yes, the discussion with Dr. Loo went well. The main thing will be gravitating towards a theme talk on Leadership, centered around Esther 3.

There will be some changes to the schedule. But I'll wait to discuss with Vincent and Sue Anne about it. Vincent is having CA's this week and so will put it on hold for a while. But i'll sort of do a more detailed write up based on what I have right now.

Yeah, that's for LPC. I just realized that I have to meet up with Franklin pretty soon now. Wondering about how KR is doing. Monday will drop by PGP CG. Fuh...

So many things to do...honestly feeling burnt out.

I shameless copped the title of this post from the internetmonk. But i'm not talking about what he was talking about.

I was just wondering about silence. I must admit I get am quite a shy and quiet person in real life. I really don't know how others percieve me, but I am naturally quiet.

But since coming here, I have been pushed from that hermit crab shell into a position where I have to voice my opinion: leadership. And I honestly think that sometimes I have trodden on a few toes not less than once. There are times when I think that I have been speaking to soon, too loudly and too rashly. There are times when I have pushed too hard, been too sarcastic or articulated viewpoints that do not correspond to reality.

Yeah, especially in this (academic) year, I guess God has been showing me that a lot of my opinions and thoughts do not actually correspond to reality.

For instance my opinions on how 1) mission and evangelism is an articificial separation. Now I have begun to see how there are in fact distinct and a unique kingdom activity in their own right.

2) My views and thoughts on evangelism in particular have been shaken. I used to think in terms of numbers and converts. Then it changed into a sort of revivalism. I used to think that evangelism was prior and that the health of the ministry depended on the extend of reaching out. But now, seeing the extreme difficulty of the evangelism-followup model being put directly into practice, I have begun to question whether this model is even biblical.

3) My views on church have changed. I have begun to see the church as a missionary hub and much less an evangelism hub.

4) My understanding on relationships have changed as well. That is still evolving and so I wont say much about it. *wink*

5) Perhaps much less known by other people is my views on evolution and creation. Just want to say that what I believe about the first few chapters of genesis has changed from literalism, to myth, to now I don't know what. Yes, I am still very much confused about the matter.

6) My views on predestination and free will have not changed much actually. But what has happened is that it does not really affect me that much anymore. Since I know that predestination is a clear biblical teaching and what a man must do to be saved is equally clear. So 'nuff said.

7) Actually I have begun to see apologetics as less and less of an intellectual activity anymore. I used to think that I was interested in it. But I have begun to see it as a redundancy. Hehe, not telling you where my interest lies at this moment.

8) Perhaps the biggest shake was in my understanding of what a spiritual walk is. I feel like a big fake sometimes in this matters. I used to think it was as simple as having a qt and following the rules and serving. I must admit now that I don't know what I believed about this matters.

I can honestly say one thing. It has been zilch and back to zero for me: resetting the counter. So I can conclude one thing, I won't speak anything until I have really thought through about it.

"When God seems far away, guess who moved?'."

I've heard this before. Found this on somebody's blog site. And the thing I liked about this guys response was that he was honest enough to say, " I didn't move!" And then the inner struggle.

When God seems far away. Actually I do feel like him too, even right now, that God seems a million miles away. Of course there are no easy answers to why this happened. If I recall correctly, God has been far far away from me ever since I came to singapore. No more intimate inner voices from him, no more 'enriching' QT.

The solutions and slogans that I've inherited from youth fellowship and secondary school CF, some still apply now but others I have discarded.

There is a trend I think rising in an empahsis on authentic Christianity. Christianity of the psalmist's struggle. Honest, direct and totally unpretentious. The goal is not spirituality, but to know God better.

It's going to be a relaxing night for me. Probably will catch up on my reading and listen to some sermons by NT wright. Things that need to be done.

1) Meet up with Jay
2) Meet up with Dr. Loo
3) Get the caterer's contacts
4) Finish my programme
5) Catch up on two days of lost lectures.

All this to be done tomorrow and the day after.

From my room, the evening colours are nice, which makes working so hard to earn this room rather worth it. But there's something i'll never earn, the smell of grass after the rain, it's given for free.

Now, that would be interesting to blog about. What would the world be like without religion?

Usually, as far as I know, in a Malaysian context, this question is asked when there is religious conflicts. Or at least someone's religious conscience was hurt so badly that it affected a friendship. Well, at least it shows one thing: People are fundamentally religious and they really care about their freedom to express that religiousity. Usually the problem comes when the expression of that religiousity impinges on another's freedom as well.

Well to answer that question I guess we need to understand what we mean by religion. It's tough you know, even in the four major religions in Malaysia, Bhuddists call theirs much less a religion but more a philosophy or a teaching. Islam has been discribed (by the Agong no less) as 'a way of life'. Christians call it a relationship rather than a 'religion'. That leaves the hindus? But hinduism is not a systematic body of doctrine, anybody can tell you that even within 'hinduism' there are so many conflicting theories of God. One would be inclined to say that hinduism is more a collection of philosophies than a religion.

Nonetheless we see religion everywhere in Malaysia, in mosques, temples and churches. Icons and idols are everywhere. Malaysia is a fundamentally religious nation, no matter how much the sophisticated vultures tell us that Malaysia is/ought to be secular. Be it for superstition of tradition, social stability rests upon the ability of the government to balance out the competing voices for religious expression. I find it difficult to believe that young Malaysians are getting more and more modern and to the effect less religious. They may be becoming more modern, but they are as religious as thier father's were.

Note that the question is not asking what would happen when become religionless from this day forth. It is asking what would history be like if there was no such thing as religion. And it is surprisingly difficult to get consistent answers from anyone(not surprising, you can never get consistent answers for any question). So if you ask a Christian, he would end up saying something like, we would become barbarians. If you ask a Bhuddist, he would say there would be less conflict in the world. Oh dear! Totally opposite answers. If you ask a communist, I guess he would say the same thing as the bhuddist and add in a more pessimistic and cynical way that it doesn't really matter since religion is an illusion anyway, it doesn't affect history as an expression of the class struggle.

Given our history of religious heritage, it would be difficult to maintain that from now on, dropping religion is the way to go. It's bad for tourism after all which contributes to Malaysia's economy significantly. So actually in what is it important to ask that question?

I would think that in asking that question, it forces people to think on the term religion and how religion and society cannot be separated. We know it, but sometimes loath to admit it. Essentially Malaysian's think that religion is a private matter. Which to some effect is true, but definately not totally. Either way, be it for better or worse, asking that question reveals to the answerer and the questioner the deep relationship between religion and society. And because it concerns society, it must concern itself with the governance of that society, hence politics. Bad!! Religion and politics are a taboo mix in Malaysia!!

The final hall event (for me at least) is down!

Hopefully, the only distraction from studying is CF (i.e. portfolio duty, exco meetings, LPC planning and CG). That's ok, I'm pretty much ok with managing the stuff. You might notice the sudden change of tone, yeah I think I'm feeling better now.

Tomorrow will face the battle of Field Theory and Genes. I cannot predict what is going to happen. Nope, I didn't really study. The fact is, how can you study for a maths module? I really don't know how. Sometimes I wish I was majoring in some arts module where mugging is easily defined.

Frquencies: what defines whether I am on the same frequency with another person? I used to think I had my own clique of friends. That is not true now, there are times when I feel like I am a part of so many different 'groups' and at the same time in none of any.

Did you know that the worst feeling on earth is when you have worked on a programme for the whole morning and then suddenly encounter the dreaded two words.

SEGMENTATION FAULT.

I really want to cry. Things have not been going too well for me since yesterday. Feeling crappy all of a sudden. I know the trigger event, and what a bummer after we had just finished dealing with the LPC venue. I was so happy until it happened. I shouldn't be distressed or envious, but I can't help myself.

And then, the comments about LPC start to come in. Sigh, have to deal with those things as well without taking it personally. It's tough you know, managing your studies on one hand and CF on the other.

I REALLY WANT TO THANK GOD THAT I AM GOING TO BE DONE WITH EXCO SOON.

It all links together, it all just links together. I'm not the worst person off in the whole wide world, but so knowing doesn't make me feel better.

Spirited Away sountrack works little magic on raging emotions, but only a little magic. These are the times when I really wish I was back at home.

One major stress causer has been shot down dead. Managed to confirm the venue for LPC with Vincent. Yes, yes and yes!!!

And I'll be laughing until kingdom come or when the cow leaps over the moon. Not making much sense am I. I'm delirious that's all.

So LPC will be at TH. Confirm, even deposit also pay already. Thanks so much God for providing.

We'll have to meet up with Dr. Loo to discuss the content. We really want him to speak, barring that, I'm sure he want's to speak as well. I'm sure we can agree on a topic that God wants to address to the new council.